Thursday, November 6, 2008

It's Been One of Those Days...

I hold my composure well, I believe. For the most part. I am not some bitter chick with contempt for all those with children (biological or otherwise). I am not a phony. I don't flippantly pretend not to care about my infertililty and that my husband's and my successful careers and fatty paychecks just make up for it all (btw, they really aren't that fatty). I think I have a good balance. I acknowledge and embrace this trial. I let myself be humbled by it, and I can't deny there have been some beautiful, spiritual moments that I would not have experienced any other way. But I have my days. And today is one of them.

About 4 weeks ago, we got an email from a teenager I will call M who lives in another town an hour away. To make a long story short, one of our pass along cards got to this girl and she wanted to meet us although she was still unsure of what she wanted to do. Her 20 week ultrasound would be on November 6 where we live and she would like to meet us then. Then she found out that my hubby sometimes works in the town where she lives and she was willing to meet us sooner if we would go there. So I tagged along with my husband and we met M and had a great time. I can't imagine it going better. She said she was still unsure, but if she decided on adoption, we were the couple for her. She still wanted to see us again on November 6 when she was in town. We'd do lunch and maybe go to the ultrasound with her. So, today is November 6. And we haven't heard from M since that night four weeks ago. Although we had her phone number and left her a message on Tuesday, there was no response. She's disappeared. I knew this was a possibility. Especially since she was still unsure and was not going through an agency to help her with those decisions. And maybe we'll hear from her again in the future. But I just want to say that it sucks. I usually hold up pretty well, but I can't deny that it's disappointing.

And then there was this...

A few days ago I posted some stats on adoption and I got a pretty nasty comment posted anonymously. It shocked me when I read it, but I moderate all my comments so I just didn't publish it. My first inclination was to address every aspect of it and defend myself but I decided that it didn't matter. I don't know this person and their opinion really isn't going to change my decision to adopt and I won't be bothered by it. I have nothing to defend. And while I still feel that way, I am also feeling angry because of this. I don't feel like I have to defend myself. But I don't want to inadvertendly protect this person either by deleting their comment and pretending it didn't happen. So for all the world to read, this is what they wrote:

Adoption sucks.

You might believe that adopting a child will be the same--and it might be for you, but you will always be a fake mother to the child you steal from another woman.

Why not go with God's plan, and remain childless? Just becuase you can't have a child doesn't mean you are entitled to another woman's flesh.


And here's what I have to say to that:

SHAME ON YOU. You have issues. And they are not mine. There has obviously been some pain or wrong in your past that is not my fault. Shame on you for spreading your poison. Who do you think you are to judge me under the pretense of God? Now the curtain has been pulled. Your pettiness and ignorance are exposed. SHAME ON YOU.

Life is hard enough without vicious, nasty people making it worse. I am in a mood today. Even my dogs can tell.

"It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one."
- Lawrence G. Lovasik


Woods: said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that people are stupid and feel that it is their place to judge. My words might mean very little but please know I think of you often and pray that your becoming a mother will happen soon. Our Father in Heaven knows you and knows your situation. He has a plan for you and although you cannot see the big is a great one. I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

cheloni said...

i found your blog through the r house and have a read few of your posts. how rotten of someone to say such horrible things! people can just be so rude!

you are so brave to be so honest to all that you have been through and post of it.

i have been blessed in my life by adoption first by a birth mother who placed me with two wonderful parents. and secondly a birth mom of a beautifu little girl i placed almost 8 years ago. i know the joys and blessing that can come from adopition!

i hope and pray that you will find your baby soon! i pray that you may have peace in your life and that you you will soon get to know the joys of being a mother.

i hope you don't mind but i was really impressed by the stats that you shared and hope you don't mind that i posted them on my blog.

Whitney said...

I don't even know how to respond to that Lara... Well put. There are people out there with serious issues. Way to just let that roll off your back. You are above that. I can' imagine what a roller coaster the adoption process is, but I know that when the time is right you will be blessed with the child that belongs in YOUR family, regardless of how they arrived on this earth. We'll keep praying for you.

Melissa said...

It IS Heavenly Father's plan for adoptions to take place. That is EXACTLY "what Jesus would do"! You are in our prayers!

Kim said...

This infuriated me when you told me about it on my blog...this is one MILLION times worse than my anonymous...what was this person thinking? They obviously were not...and probably never were taught the old addage. heart is with you...I canNOT believe there are people in this worls who will hurt others and cut others...

What is a fake mother anyway? Anon probably had a fake mother...because she or he never learned anything good from her.

Much love Lara...sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.

Liz Smith said...


I am so so so sorry. I am glad that you decided to post that for everyone to read so that we have the opportunity to tell you how unbelievably WRONG that is. I can tell that you are a very strong person, but i think that words like that can hurt even the strongest of us.

Over the last few months, i have felt inspired by your story. I admire what you and your husband are doing and the sacrifices (both emotional and financial) that you are making in order to become parents.

The day will come when you will be parents. it is going to be a beautiful time and you will know that it will have all been worth it...and that is something that no one will be able to take away from you, no matter how hateful or ignorant their views.

Take care, stay strong, and continue to be faithful. I am positive that our Heavenly Father is watching and has great plans on who He is going to send your way.


Carlykins said...

Well you have no clue who I am. I have been blog hoping this morning and I saw your comment on the R house. I came here to read and see. There is nothing inside me that could share the passion that I have inside for adoption. I am a birth mother who placed on September 5th, 2007. A day that changed my life forever. My family grew. My love grew in ways that I never knew were possible. This commenter reminds me of the story of the sower and the seed. I use that story for a lot of analogies. When someone is not prepared to receive something they aren't going to be able to no matter how hard you try. It is unfortunate that people have agency and are entitled to their own opinions when they are ones such as this one.
Infertility SUCKS ROCKS! I have no idea the pain that is attached to it. I am understanding it more each day as the daughter that I placed has no answers as to why she has not been pregnant. I have met some of the most amazing families since being a part of the adoption world. I don't understand, yet I do know that those that adopt are MORE qualified to have children then anyone I know. They have gone through paperwork up to their ears, background checks, etc. In my opinion I wish everyone had to do it before they brought a child into this world. However, as a birth mother I thank my Heavenly Father for people like you and your husband, for people like my daughters Mom and Dad and all the others who face such a heart wrenching trial, for being in the positions that you are. For this you are able to be the answers to heart wrenching prayers from us birth mothers. From those of us who find themselves in a position where we feel like there is no way out and that there is no hope. I know that this comment does not ease your pain nor does it take it away. I pray for all those who are adopting that they will be guided to their children sooner then later. I pray for those that are meant to place their children that they will have the strength to place and to know that life can move on. The family that I placed with has enriched my life in more ways then I ever knew was possible. Heavenly Father knows me well. My adoption story is just for me as well as each adoption story is a personal journey. The emotions are oh so similar though. May you and your husband be guided to your children soon. And in answer to WWJD- He would place the child in a home where a mother and father reside for that is the plan. That is what is meant to be. The trials in life aren't for us to decide whether or not Heavenly Father gave them to us or whether or not they were brought upon by our choices or someone elses choices. Our trials our for us to simply go to Heavenly Father and ask Him what we can do and how we can make the best of it. You and your husband have been given the challenge of starting your family, you have been pro active and decided that adoption is right for you. For this you will be blessed. Heavenly Father will bless you times 10 for your efforts, for your tears and for your sacrifices you have made. Adoption is amazing. So many dialectics involved with it. I wouldn't want to place again but I would do it again for the outcome that I have. The Atonement is real.
I hope I haven't offended you in any way. There is no way for me to put down what I have inside. My blog is private. You are welcome to read it if you would like. You can email me at Thank you for sharing. Take care.

Meagan said...

Wow, what a harsh comment. Adoption is not wrong, it is a blessing for everyone involved. If a person cannot or will not take care of a child the selfless thing to do is to give that baby or child to a family that can take care of and love them. I know that you and Justin will be awesome parents when you do get a baby. It will be a wonderful day. I am so proud of ya'll and pray for you often.

JANEAL said...

I am furious that someone left such a comment. Who do they think they are? I'm so sorry this happened to you. I pray that you will be blessed with a little one soon. I hope you have a great weekend!

Debra said...

What a horrible, awful thing to say. I just found your blog through Melissa Giles blog and I have been reading through your old post. My little sister is adopted and she feels like she has always been there. She is supposed to be there.


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