Dear Holiday Board of Directors:
We would like to propose a new holiday.
February 14th will be a day unlike any other. It will be the day that symbolizes true love. No, it does not honor the passions of romantic relics like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and her prince. No, it commemorates a Christian saint (although we're not exactly sure which one). Also, there is no direct link with any of these saints to romantic gestures, so we're not entirely sure why we've named it Valentine's Day. Regardless, we are certain it is a fabulous idea.
You might think that it is silly to set aside one day for romance when dedicated lovers spend every day of their loves worshipping the one they love, but hear us out. With clever marketing like convincing women their men don't love them if they don't observe this lover's day and guilt attacks geared toward men who spend less than $50, we know the idea will be a hit. Recognizable symbols will amp up our brand recognition--heart-shaped boxes, cloying chocolates, teddy bears, roses, mylar baloons, and little white birds.
Well, you have a point there. While it's true that flowers and sweets can be given to a paramour any time of the year, especially on individually significant days like an anniversary of an even unique to only that couple, what sets ours apart is packaging in an overabundance of colored cellophane!
Peer pressure is also a secret weapon of this fabulous holiday. If a woman sees her friend get flowers and is told to expect the same treatment, it will inevitably happen. We'll make all men who do not purchase flowers and chocolates feel like lame imbeciles. In fact, all marketing materials should reiterate how men can never think for themselves and plan ahead and how waiting to the last minute for a Valentine's gift is romantic suicide. Throw high expectations, constant nagging, and fear of recrimination into any relationship, and you have a successful commercial holiday poised to rake in millions of dollars in sales of said cellophane. Trust us, it will work.
Satan and minions
(I don't like Valentine's Day. It is lame. I refuse to celebrate it. And it's not because of deep wounds from the past, but actually because of the deep passions I have had with several caring, amazing men--mostly my husband--who taught me it is much more special to give your heart away when you aren't badgered into doing so.)
Happy Valentine's Day