It's impossible not to get excited. It's impossible not to hope. And I think it's wrong to reign in the emotions. It can be painful--and maybe dramatic (and I am nothing save dramatic)--but I believe in fully emerging myself in the emotion of the moment.
Last Wednesday, our adoption agency in Utah called and told us about a birth mom they wanted to show our profile to. They gave us all the details and told us to think about it for awhile and call them back. I had missed one call from them earlier. I saved the message on my cell phone. If this really was the story of our baby, I wanted to save everything. I saved the scribblings about the birth mom even though those scribbles were intermixed from work scribbles. It would be a sacred thing treasured for eternity. After I got off the phone, I ran and told my friends. They were so pumped! Then they reminded me to tell my husband. I called my hubby and told him. He was very logical on the phone, very unemotional. He was protecting himself, I could tell.
I was useless at work for the rest of the day. I was excited and anxious and scared. I had a bout of anxiety because there were a couple things about this situation I wasn't thrilled about (for example, the birth mom wanted a closed adoption). But driving home from work, I was thrilled again. We only had a few hours to make sure we were good with this scenario. As soon as I got home, I grabbed my husband. We knelt down and prayed for guidance and answers. Then we hopped in the car and drove to Kohl's because they were having a sale. We bought onesies. We made sure they were gender-neutral even though this particular baby was a boy. We knew that everything was still up in the air.
I debated whether or not I should tell my family. Justin said no. Said we should wait until we are chosen. I agreed. For about 30 minutes. Then I called everyone! And I sent an email too.
I was getting more and more anxious by the minute. I had a weird stomach ache. I cooked dinner and didn't eat a single bite. I was supposed to call the agency that night, but I just couldn't. I needed more time.
I talked to God all night. I needed an answer. Rush delivery on an answered prayer, please. I'll pay extra postage! I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. I got up an hour and half early. I called the agency and told them they could show our profile. I still was feeling very anxious and I was beginning to think it was an answer to my prayers. In fact, I knew that before I called the agency back. But I figured it didn't hurt to have the agency show our profile. If the birth mom happened to choose us, I could address these feelings then. I needed more time. It's ludicrous to think that a huge, life-altering decision like this needs to be made in a matter of hours.
And we waited.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister talking about her new baby and dreaming about mine. My cell phone rang and it was the agency. I didn't get to it in time, but they left a message. The birth mom wanted different profiles. She didn't like any that were shown to her. It was a blow. My anxiety had faded over the past couple days and I was getting excited. I called home. Justin seemed to take the news well, but when I got home from work, he was so grouchy and snippy. Bitter. He has a harder time with this than I do. We comforted each other and talked of God's plan. We bought a tub of maple nut ice cream, curled up with a couple spoons and watched Veronica Mars and binged.
Last night I sent out an email to my family and friends who knew we were waiting. So many people sent back beautiful intimate thoughts. I especially liked this thought from Jamie:
The children you will raise on earth and be sealed to throughout eternity are being very carefully selected. Heavenly Father is guiding this entire process and He does not make mistakes.
How true! I can take comfort in the fact that my family is being put together like a puzzle, with every piece of it deliberate and inspired. (I know it's silly to think that my family is the only inspired, destined one, but since everything with adoption is so deliberate it feels that way). And Jamie is right. My children are being carefully selected. I will know when it's right. My heart will sing and finally, our family will be whole.