On the books.
But things don't feel any differently today. She's been "mine" a lot longer than seven and a half hours. My heart knows it, my mind knows it, my family knows it, you all know it...
It's been an emotional day for me. I can't help but think about the first time I met Jocelyn. When her birth mom asked me if I wanted to hold her. Giving her her very first bath. Holding her hand when she got her very first shot. Watching her sleep. And then taking her home. Riding in the back of the car with her and obsessing over every tiny sigh and grunt.
Miraculous. But not mine.
I've heard several new mothers (biological) tell me how it felt when they gave birth and became a family instead of a couple. They say things like they couldn't even remember what life was like without the baby, that the change was so instant and so easy, like the baby had always been there. Almost like all pre-baby memories were gone. It was a little different for me.
When we took Jocelyn home, it felt too easy. (Which is insane because it was such a long, arduous process.) Someone had just given us a person. A little, small human to take care of. One day our backseat was empty. And the next day there was a carseat back there containing a wriggling, pink, little thing. I enjoyed it all, but because it felt so undeserved, I felt like it was temporary in a way. Almost like we were babysitting. It was just so surreal that I couldn't wrap my head around it. For awhile, too, it was like her birth mom knew her better than I did because of spending all the time carrying her in the womb. It took me over two months to finally get to the point where I felt that maybe I knew her better.
Little by little, though, she became mine. Hours of watching her sleep. Memorizing the way she holds her hands. Knowing that her lips pucker when touched if she's sleeping. Feedings. Tears. Late nights. Early mornings. Diaper changes. Baths. Baby massages. Habits that made me a mother. And I can't say exactly when it happened, because it was gradual and built, but she became mine.
playing around at jordan's house after we found out the time was changed.
signing papers promising to love and care for our new baby
with honorable judge ralph savage - a friend and coworker of justin's
cindy, afton, jordan, me, judge savage, jocelyn, justin, and mom
One thing that is so amazing about parenthood is how intimately I know this human. More intimately than I know anyone besides myself. I know every millimeter of her body, I know her cries and noises and signals, I know her smiles and behaviors. She is so vulnerable and I know all of it. It's amazing.