Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Imposter

Quick update. Joci is slowly, slowly, slowly getting better. The cough is worse. The crankiness is worse. Every day she drinks just an ounce or two more. But slow progress is better than no progress. I'm so grateful to my mom for her help this week.

Onto my real post.

There is a new girl at work. She's been in my department about 2 months. I like her and we've chatted briefly now and then. Today she was cleaning out the supply closet by my desk and we really chatted for awhile. She knew Joci has been ill so she asked about that. Then she shyly admitted that she is expecting. This will be her first child. She's due in October, so she really just found out.

And she started connecting with me. Mom to Mom. Or Mom-to-be to Mom. :) First it was baby stuff. And then, it turned to pregnancy stuff. Really benign stuff. Like what not to eat or drink when you're pregnant. Stuff that I can comfortably talk about because it's more common medical knowledge than pregnancy experience stuff.

I felt like I wasn't entitled to have that conversation. Because she didn't know. She didn't know that I am infertile and although I have a child, I have never been pregnant.

And I found a way to clumsily work it in to the conversation.

I'm infertile and my daughter is adopted.

something fishy's going on here

Why did I feel I had to say that?

My role as a mother is not fake or forced. I can say that whole-heartedly. So why did I feel uncomfortable knowing that she assumed I knew exactly what she was going through? I think part if it may have been that she was kind of asking advice and seeking information and guidance from "someone who has been there."

But I haven't been there. So I had to let her know.

The way Joci came to me doesn't make her less. Doesn't make her story and my experience less. Just different. Still, looking back on that conversation today, I can't figure out why I felt so jumpy around the the natural assumption that I had been pregnant. Like I was an imposter. Not in motherhood. But just pregnancy. And it would be wrong not to say something.

4 comments:

Mom on the Go said...

I love reading your blog! I gain such insight into your life and you make me think about things I have never thought of before. Thank you! I am so glad Joci is getting better. I wish I could help, but I really don't need the sickness in my house. Love ya though!

Ashley said...

I know what you mean. I feel like I have to tell people sometimes that Julia was adopted because otherwise I feel like a fraud. Like I'm taking credit for Carri's role.

It's hard.

Anonymous said...

I thing you are going at this all wrong. You simply say that you were blessed with a beautiful baby that is totally and 100% yours without all of the morning sickness, fat feet/ankles, and of course the delivery. It does not make Joci any less your baby, just as it doesn't make you any less of a mother. It was meant to be and couldn't have worked any better. Of course this is just my opinion. I'm a proud grandma and wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for adopting the most beautiful, sweet baby girl ever. Remember, it was meant to be - and there should be absolutely no shame. Besides that you still have your figure - Hooray!!!

Grandma Z

Lara said...

I don't have any shame in adopting at all. For some reason I felt bad telling "pregnancy secrets" with someone who assumed I knew what she was going through. I guess I need to figure out if I'm comfortable just omitting stuff and letting people assume whatever they want or if it's more comfortable to just let them know I adopted.

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