Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What if my husband blames me?

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I have a lot I want to say on this topic, but I’ll spread it out over the week. To get things started with a wallop of gut-wrenching emotion, I’m going to share my What IFs?

(in the infertility world, infertility is often referred to as IF.)

Mel from Stirrup Queens has coupled with RESOLVE for a special advocacy project. For the past few weeks, Mel has asked her readers to write down all the “What Ifs” that roll around in their heads about infertility. I dare you to read the responses with dry eyes.

I have felt the majority of the emotions expressed there, the fears, and doubt. Some have been more constant than others. From the darkest, most selfish doubt to those that are far easier to express, I’ve been there.

Today, I’ve made my own list. I’ve learned in my experience that a lot more people than I ever realized struggle with infertility—and much more silently than I ever did. And just knowing you’re not alone helps a lot. So here are my “What IF’s”. They are personal and they aren’t pretty, so please be kind. These aren’t questions meant to be answered, they are just meant to share my journey—with those of you who struggle and those of you who love someone who struggles.

in 2008, a month after we were approved for adoption

  • What if my husband blames me?
  • What if I can never stay at home with my children because having me work is the only way to afford our child(ren)?
  • What if we tried to have children sooner?
  • What if I hadn’t felt so superior about getting our lives so ready (school finished, home purchased, careers on track) before trying to have a baby?
  • What if we had married different people—would we still be going through this?
  • What if I stopped trying too soon?
  • What if I get pregnant when I’m 40 and am no longer ready for it?
  • What if there really is a difference in how you love an adopted child and a biological child?
  • What if I am always annoyed when other women complain about their pregnancies?
  • What if I am so wrapped up in my own pain that I ignore or misjudge the pain of others?
  • What if our child(ren) resent(s) the measures we had to take to build our family?
  • What if I never have 4+ children I dreamed of?
  • What if we lose our testimonies in the midst of this darkness?
  • What if our biological child would be the one grandbaby that would look like a Hays?
  • What if I’ve actually been pregnant before—for a very brief period of time—and never known it?
  • What if I put all the energy, money, and science necessary into becoming pregnant and I miscarry?
  • What if I had control over my fertility and the size and spacing of my family? What if I didn’t have to rely on medical treatments and the choices of birth mothers?
  • What if I don’t want to try anymore?
  • What if I’m really missing out on something amazing by never experiencing pregnancy?
  • What if my child discovers the depth of my sorrow because of infertility, yet never realizes how grateful I am for that journey because it brought her to me?

 the day I met my daughter


2 comments:

Ashley said...

okay these are totally on my brain too and now i'm crying. faboo... ;)

Willow said...

I worry about so many of the questions on this list, too. Thanks for sharing this. Also, thanks so much for your detailed feedback on my letter to my cousins, asking for their eggs... I am a professional writer too and your points are spot-on, but of course I was a bit too close to the subject matter to read it objectively.

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