It is part of who I am.
It has given me the most important thing I'll ever, ever have.
May 2009. Photo taken by SweetPea PhotographyA family.
And I love the blogosphere. I love the friends I've made who also share this common link of adoption.
Just now, I was catching up on reading The R House. I read this post from her Ask a Birth Mom Panel. The question was: Do you feel the family your baby went to was truly meant to be his/her family?
The five interviewed women all said yes.
I wasn't surprised.
I know Jocelyn was meant to be part of our family. She completely completes us. There's never been a doubt in my mind that she is in the exact place that Lord wanted her (every day I work harder to deserve this unfathomable blessing and gift).
There was something about Tamra's response to this question.
I'm going to quote what she wrote:
i wasn't choosing a family, i was finding the family that God had chosen.
i imagine it this way; before we came her, God says "Tamra, you'll have a tough assignment, you'll go to parents who are sad and confused, your little soul's gonna get hurt, you're gonna stumble, you're gonna get lost. but don't worry Tamra, your sister Debbie (A-mom) and your Brothers Gale (A-dad) and Justin (our boy) have volunteered for the rescue effort. Debbie and Gale will wait and pray and cry and wonder and they will share their Justin with you. he will come as your missionary on his way home and though you won't love yourself enough to get well, you'll love him enough. and you'll remember me and i'll heal you".
so that's how it happened, or at least i bet it was pretty close. on this side, it looks like MY gift, MY sacrifice, but when we return i imagine we will see more clearly that it was them who gave to me, their sacrifice. how can i say my gratitude?!
As I read this, I thought this was such a neat perspective. That instead of the birth mom sharing her child with the adoptive family to heal them and make them whole (how I often feel about our birthmom's sacrifice), in the life before this one the "adoptive" parents chose to share their child with a young woman to heal her and make her whole.
with Jocelyn's birth mom last November
Suddenly, I found myself sobbing. I felt this warmth inside. Like God hugging my heart. And I heard a quiet voice telling me that this is true. That our Jocelyn was ours long before April 21, 2009. And our alliance with her birth parents is not as recent as we think. Even though I am now a mother, I still struggle with infertility (see last week's post) and am frequently plagued by doubt and feelings of being undeserving and insufficient. This moment, just now, sponsored by The R House (har har), is transforming. I have a new testimony of God's plan and His love for me.
My heart is so full I can't find any words.
I love adoption.