I have been feeling ill today, staying wrapped up in blankets and curled in my recliner.
Change is coming.
Yesterday, Justin (mostly) and I (when Joci was napping) spent a lot of time outside doing some much-needed yardwork in preparation for our home appraisal for a refinance. I kept hoping it would snow to cover up our unmowed yard and unweeded flower bed. Maybe I should've waited out the weekend. :) Nah, our yard really needed the work.
It was in the mid-60's yesterday. Gorgeous, gorgeous fall weather. Unheard of. We have had such a beautiful autumn. I think this has been the first time in my life in Idaho that I have truly experienced this season. Normally autumn is crammed into a two, maybe three week period at the end of September/beginning of October. I have really enjoyed the lovely weather. Still nice enough to go outside. Trick-or-treating didn't require a snowsuit. Lawns still need to be mowed. My petunias are still blooming. Heck, there are still leaves on the trees. In glorious shades of golds and reds. That never happens. The leaves just turn brown and die and fall within a week. Normally we have to drive to Logan Canyon or somewhere to see fall colors. It's been amazing. I am grateful, but do think we deserve it. Spring was quite late in coming this year. Cold, crummy weather until July.
As the wind blows outside and gray, snow-bringing clouds cover my little town, I know it's time to bid this unseasonal autumn adieu.
That being said, I have been grateful for this autumn. Such a beautiful season. The intensity and exuberance of summer is gone, but there is a peaceful feeling in the harvest of the season. The sunshine is more golden, there is a certain liveliness induced by the crisp air, and sometimes, just sometimes, the world puts on a beautiful display of her finest colors. There is no season that fills my senses quite like autumn. Last month as I was training for my 5k, I just relished in running outside. The smell of the fallen leaves, the geese flying overhead, the long shadows. Just lovely. I am so grateful to have experienced this prolonged Indian summer. I think only an Idahoan (or maybe Wyomingite or Montanan) can really appreciate it. :)
In addition, as I listen to the cold winter wind blowing in, I am grateful for a cozy home. For homemade quilts (made by my mother - not me - which makes them even warmer). For entertaining television. For warm meals. For a car that runs with a powerful heater. For all those things that keep my warm, happy, and well during winter.
My thoughts on adoption today revolve around Jocelyn's biological siblings. I guess this topic has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe because we are getting closer and closer to actively pursuing an addition to our family. In our little world, Jocelyn is an only child. Hopefully an oldest child. Her birth order will have long-term implications on who she is. I know that being a youngest child has definitely shaped my personality in permanent ways. Someday, Jocelyn will know that biologically-speaking, she is not an oldest child, but a middle child. She has three older biological siblings, and at least one younger biological sibling (on the way right now). I imagine the situation of biological siblings will be delicate. Will she always wonder "why me and why not them?"
I ask myself often how to approach the topic to help her understand, but not resent. The only thing I know how to do is to approach the topic with honesty, openness, respect, and love. I don't doubt that she'll ask "why me?" And there may not ever be a satisfactory answer. I just hope that at some point she can at least be grateful that it was her.
I am grateful for Jocelyn. I am grateful for her birth parents. I am grateful for an open adoption so that we can foster our relationship and have a way to provide Jocelyn with some answers as she grows. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed by the person she is. I have always known she is right where she was meant to be. But she has this strength and confidence and wisdom that manifests itself to me every day and I often think of any person on the planet, she will be able to embrace her adoption and all that comes with it. She has something extra in her. She's gonna be amazing.
two days old. even here you can see the wisdom and peace in her eyes. she has what they call an "old soul."