Thursday, November 11, 2010

Why Do People Hate Adoption?

Sorry I missed yesterday...still sick.

As a sick mommy, I am very grateful for the fact that my daughter could still go to daycare. Not many moms have that option. As sick as I was, I absolutely could not imagine having to move more than necessary to feed myself. It would've been murder to have to feed, clean up after, and entertain a toddler. And many moms have to do just that. So I really am grateful for daycare.

On to the adoption post.

I have always thought of adoption as a wonderful thing. As a girl, I collected porcelain dolls. Whenever I got one for Christmas, I created adoption papers for them. Airplane tickets from wherever they were from and their back story. Papers from the orphanages. All those romanticized things. I have two cousins who were adopted. I don't think I knew anyone else who was adopted. Well, maybe a couple of step-parent adoptions. There were plenty of celebrity adoptions in the media. All in all, I thought it was a wonderful thing. It was something I ALWAYS wanted to do. Before I found I was infertile, Justin and I planned to adopt.

I never really heard much negativity about adoption, until I got in the thick of it. I heard rumors of haters, but my first encounter happened two years ago when I blogged about National Adoption Month and got a nasty comment. And as I have blog hopped and found adoption blogs and forums, I have encountered a lot of overt hatred toward adoption.

I just don't get it. At all.

These haters have been hurt. That's all I can figure. Either they were birth moms of a different era, pressured into making a decision they weren't prepared to make, and forced to wade through the solitude of an unwanted closed adoption, or perhaps they were the adoptees of such a situation.

I don't know what hurt them so bad to speak out against the entire institution of adoption. It would be like me writing off chicken entirely because I don't like spicy buffalo wings. I would miss out on chicken cacciatore and chicken cordon bleu. Okay, the analogy is a little off.

Jill from The Happiest Sad wrote the cold risotto analogy about ordering risotto in a restaurant which she enjoyed. And someone else ordered it but theirs came out cold and the waitress wasn't that great and now they hate risotto and hate that restaurant and try to keep all potential customers from going into the restaurant instead of keeping things in perspective and realizing that although they didn't enjoy their risotto doesn't mean it's usually very good and other people enjoy it. Jill said it much better. Please read her rendition.

Every now and I then I go on forums like Yahoo Answers and spend some time addressing questions about adoption. I really have to steel myself before doing that. Or try not to read the other answers. Those forums are simply filled with adoption lunatics. Either the answers are full of hatred and anti-adoption/pro-abortion messaging or they are answered by desperate, baby-hungry hopeful adoptive parents begging for a baby, who also do nothing to promote the cause.

Adoption isn't for everyone. I know that. But it is right for some people. And I strongly, STRONGLY believe in open adoption. I didn't "steal from another woman" and I never felt "entitled to her flesh." She placed her baby into my arms. Willingly. Knowing who I was. Did she do this because I was infertile and she felt sorry for me? Absolutely not. She did this for her baby. I just lucked out that she thought Justin and I were the family she thought would be best for her baby.

She made a choice - a hard, heart-wrenching choice - to put her baby's life before her own. I cry every time I think about it. It hurts me to see Jocelyn do endearing new things and know that her birth family isn't going through the journey of the life they gave her.

It is important to realize that adoption is born from tragedy. There is no exception to this. From birth parents who cannot provide for their baby to birth parents who have died of AIDS, adoption only happens because of a tragedy. And even on the adoptive parents end. While there are those like Angelina Jolie who can bear children and choose to adopt as well (I had assumed I would be in this camp), most adoptive parents are floored by the reality of their infertility. That's a tragedy too. And for the child. They lose their genetic link. Maybe siblings. A tragedy again. But all gain something as well. Thanks to adoption, the scars of the tragedy, over time, evolve into a beautiful tattoo.

Adoption isn't for everyone. But it is an important option. I really, really don't understand why the haters want to take that option away. So many of them feel so strongly about the options of abortion and single parenting, why can't they understand that adoption is a valid option that makes sense for some? Why can't they just let people order their risotto and they can eat somewhere else?

All I really know is that there is a message I am determined to spread.

Adoption is an option.


kelley said...

My first paralegal job was doing the legal work for an adoption agency. I did it for more than 3 years. Between that job and my current job working with Social Services, I have learned a lot about adoption and foster care. The nay-sayers on adoption typically don't understand that the choice to place a child for adoption is 100% about the child. Not the parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles. In all the adoptions and foster care cases I've worked on, I have learned that there are certain cultures moreso than others that do no grasp the nature of adoption as well as others. Some people don't see any circumstance where a child shouldn't be raised by family in some capacity. They see that family is always the best option for children, no matter how troublesome the situation. Parenting may be a legal right but it's still a privilege that you have to earn and keep.
Adoption is one of the most beautiful gifts anyone can ever give another person. I have grown to love adoption over the last few years and would love to adopt someday or at least be foster parents. Bless you for your choice to adopt and hope you get a chance to adopt more! People need to relax and stop watching so many Lifetime movies.

DMN said...

I got my first hater comment on my blog (4 at once actually) right after we finaziled my daughter's adoption! It was horrible, 2 of these people even made an entire blog post on their own blogs about how horrible me and my blog are!
Thanks for this post!

The Gotch Family said...

Wow, what a freakin lunatic. I can't imagine any scenario where a person would be so angry to judge like that. The facts are this: The life you are providing Jocie with is exactly the wonderful life she deserves. No one in this world can possibly love Jocie as much as you guys do (and I do mean no one). Just because someone is able to create a child doesn't mean they deserve to parent that child (or that they are capable). Adoption is all about what is best for the child, not the birth parents or adoptive parents, the child benefits most. Anonymous comments should be outlawed. I wish I knew who you were so I could give you a good, old-fashioned spanking. You should have to wear this anonymous comment around your neck for a day so everyone knows who you are, I would be happy to wear my comment back for a day. What a freakin lunatic...
(sorry, I got a little enraged)


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