Sunday, January 9, 2011

My Rage Against Stupid People

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman who couldn't have a baby. They tried many things and saw many doctors. They were blessed with the financial means to try everything. When nothing worked...they turned to surrogacy. They found an egg donor and two embryos were created in a petri dish. The two embryos were implanted in two other surrogates, whom they'd carefully selected. Their two babies - a boy, and a girl - were born five days apart. They have kept very open relationships with the egg donor and the two surrogates. They have a happy family and they are living happily ever after.

True story. Read it here (warning: it is LONG).

My reaction to the story is that I am happy for them. I believe families are built in different ways. And all the people involved in this unconventional situation seem to be really happy about it all, and I think that's really the key in a somewhat bizarre situation.

I'm sure I am biased. I have a less than "normal" situation. Another man and woman placed their child with us to raise, to be her parents. And we accept this child who has no genetic connection to us and open our home, our finances, and our hearts to her. We keep in touch with the man and woman. Phone calls, emails, texts, visits. Yeah, some people can't wrap their heads around it.

Jocelyn with her biological parents and biological sister

all out together

Back to the article and my point. I couldn't help but read the comments at the end of the article. And some of them just made my blood boil. Here are a few:

An egg donor and two surrogate mothers, somebody please explain to me how these are "her" children?

The world is already overcrowded. If they want children, there are plenty to adopt.

I don't actually go so far as to say it should not be allowed, but in a world with a population approaching seven billion, it is immoral.

People need to take no for an answer when nature says no.

If you cannot have children accept it and move on. There are too many people on the earth so it is a good thing that some cannot reproduce.

Get a grip on those hormones. Buy a dog. Volunteer. Adopt. Big Brother/Sister. Swim. The world doesn't need your desperation progeny..

playing God!!!! If you aren't meant to have kids, you aren't! move on!! Get an orphan!

They go around the will of God and then play God! How about saying a prayer instead!

Before I really start, I just want to say that I am not expressing my opinion about surrogacy in this post...this is more of an infertility rant.

Okay, the gloves are coming off now. Ready?

(On a side note, I tried to comment on the post - which trickily limited me to 150 characters - and then I was going to have to sign up for an account and I figured no one would really hear/care about my opinion hidden in the hundreds of comments, so I decided it would make a good blog post. Voila.)

What is the deal with this population thing? I have heard it before in reference to infertility in general. Like infertility is nature's answer to the world's population. I don't believe it for a second. If natural selection were really at play then intelligent, educated, financially capable people would be more fertile than uneducated, simple-minded, financially incapable people. And that's just not true. The opposite seems to be.

(Okay, I am bound to offend someone. I apologize in advance. This is a rant.)

And what's with the deity issue? As a very religious person, I believe that God expects us to do what we can for ourselves. He is a God of miracles - and I believe medicine is a medium of His miracles. It's pretty lame to say "just say a prayer." Oooh, that just offends me as a Christian and as an infertile woman.

If it's "immoral" for someone who has to go to lengths to have children because of the world's population, how is it any less immoral for someone who can easily have children to do so? I don't know, but this argument only seems to come up in fertility treatment discussions. I guess we should all be like China and regulate the size of families.

And infertility is a disease. I've never heard someone tell someone with kidney failure and seeking a donor to "accept it and move on" or that it's nature's way of dealing with the population or to stop "playing God." But to solve all the problems of overpopulation and nature's solution, instead of limiting the birth of babies, instead we should just euthanize all people before they go on Social Security and drain our country of its finances. Better yet, we should stop all cancer research, stop vaccinating, and stop giving transfusions, and oxygen in the ER. Actually, why do we even have ERs? Saving lives is actually probably against God's plan and against nature's intentions for the population, too. When nature says no, we need to accept it. (please note the heavy sarcasm.)

The emotional (and biological) need to have children is strong, natural, and sanctioned by God. It is a right thing. There are many ways to make families - and while one way may be right for one family, it might not be right for another. The answer isn't always "just adopt." Like that's the easiest thing in the world. Like it's the obvious answer for everyone. It's not a catch-all solution. It's not always the right fit. And frankly, not all people have the mettle to be adoptive parents. Especially those people who are obviously too selfish to ever hope to fathom the understanding, compassion, and long-suffering any member of the adoption triad must have. Plus, that kind of retort is just really disrespectful to the institution of adoption in general. Consider me offended.

Oooh, I wish I were a virtual Hulk that could turn green with anger and knock some sense into all these selfish simpletons - or at least knock them out.

Okay, I know I've said some ragey things and I am sure I am going to get flack in the comments...but please be respectful and tactful. If not, you will be deleted.

Okay. Phew. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.


Liz Smith said...

oh honey, not offensive at all. in fact, BRAVO! if there is one thing i can't stand is self-righteous/know-it-all/judgemental losers who have nothing better to do than inflict their ignorance on the rest of us. and the worst is when they preach their bull crap in the name of God. (how's that for offending But seriously, you are so right. If only there was a cure for stupidity. Now that would be a great discovery!

as you can tell, i could rant on this subject forever, but i think i made my point. :P so i'll just finish by saying: Well said!!!

Jill Elizabeth said...

"Well said" feels inadequate. I LOVE this post! Thank you for saying what I've wanted to say, better than I could say it.

UK Yankee said...

Those comments in your post really make me angry. It belittles the pain of infertility, the emotional rollercoaster of adoption, and the feelings of all parties involved. There needs to be so much more understanding and compassion in the world.

Well said, Lara!

Alicia said...

I am sorry that all those simpletons said such horrible things. I like your comparison to kidney disease.

Maria said...

You have a gift for words! Just so you know, I gave you a standing ovation for that! (just imagine me standing up in front of my computer in jeggings and a snuggy clapping my little heart out for you! I even included that little indian whistle thing I used to do at wrestling matches! :)

Tamara ViAnn said...

your a better woman than I am :)

Tamara ViAnn said...

Okay I just read it... 2/3rds of it anyway.

I don't really have a problem with it except it does irk me that donors aren't considered the biological parent. I guess in my world, whoever provides the egg should be termed biological parent. It pains me that some in surrogacy arrangements dismiss the role of the donor. I think there's going to be a whole new generation of children growing up (much like the children from closed adoption era) who have issues from not knowing where there genetics come from. I know I would. Just my opinion though.

Jennie Smith said...

Bravo Lara!

Richelle said...

Lara, thank you for your courage. I so admire you. I don't have the gift of words. They get caught in me. I'm like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. I am sickened by the comments of others. Those also made my blood boil. No matter what you say on this subject, you will have someone standing right next to you. The world could be FILLED with the prayers of women and family members that would love to have a child but they have to listen to the news of people who are complaining that their abortion rights might be taken away. It's a reproductive right they say,'t this fall under the same category. After a sad experience with a DNC, I came across an article of people freaking out about their abortion rights. I felt like saying "I just lost two kids in one day! I'd be happy to raise the ones you don't want!" Much love and thoughts go to all women who have wanted this blessing but are rebuffed for "playing God." Good grief. Wow, what a verbal salad that was...sorry.


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