Thursday, March 31, 2011

Preparing for My First Ultrasound

Today I had my first wellness exam since we adopted. Two years ago, Justin and I were pursuing fertility treatments while we were waiting to adopt. And once Joci came along, we didn't bother with any more treatments.

I was really nervous about going back to the same doctor who was directing our treatments. He was so focused on getting me pregnant that I wondered if he'd understand that we adopted instead.

As the doctor reviewed my chart, refreshing his memory of who I was, I told him about our adoption. After he was all caught up, the first thing he did was start talking about IVF for me.

This was what I was afraid of.

I wasn't there to talk about infertility. I was there to fulfill an insurance requirement so my rates won't go up.

I told him I wasn't ready to talk about IVF. He said that was absolutely fine and I was the captain of my ship. Then he reminded me of my age and that while it's okay not too talk about it right now, I won't have much longer to consider it.

Nothing makes you feel older than a fertility doctor. Seriously. When I started going to him at 26, he already told me we had no time to waste - I would be 30 before long and the whole game changes at 30. Ugh. I am ancient.

An interesting development is that I am going to get my first ultrasound ever to take a peek at my uterine fibroid tumors, because we suspect they could be growing. This will happen Saturday.  I am definitely curious to see the results, but at the same time, it's sad.

Ultrasounds are supposed to be about heartbeats and little alien fish fetuses flipping around on the screen, their entire spinal column perfectly formed. Ultrasounds are supposed to make you cry and leave you in wonder at the miracle of life. My ultrasound will be a little different. We will count tumors and measure them. We will wonder at the malfunctions of the human body. And I may cry a few tears, but a different kind.


Life Happens said...

I found your blog before you adopted your daughter and I have been a reader ever since. I rarely comment, but I just felt a prompting to respond tonight. I am sorry that you have to deal with infertility. I have two sons, but I had to have a hysterectomy at 31 because of fibroids and adenomyosis. I always wanted more children, but my husband has always been content with our family of four. I keep praying for his heart to change because I would love to adopt. I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I hope that your appointment goes as well as can be expected. Thoughts and Prayers sent up for you from Spokane, WA. <3 Evonne

kelley said...

A couple friends of mine at work had their first babies last year and because they were over 35, they were classified as "advanced maternal age". Clearly all women become decrepit when they pass the 30 mark. Men don't get these silly labels, why should we?

Frederick Family said...

Lara I was just telling my young woman the other day that almost everything I dreamed for in my life has come true but not the way I dreamed it. Things did not happen the I thought best or at the time or in the order I would have chosen but I have to trust the person in charge of those things has a greater view and knowledge. I know he knows the the desires of my heart he just knows how to better weave the tapestry of my life to make it more colorful and significant than I could have made it. Hang in there. And from my area of work Ultra sounds are always about looking for problems and measurements and diagnosis. I know it's not the ultra sound you want but close your eyes and dream of your beautiful little Joci. Good luck.


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