Sunday, November 20, 2011
Dirty Jobs: Motherhood
As I was attempting to scrub out the stench from a high chair that probably should be fumigated, I was thinking about how disgusting of a job it was.
I mean, I have cleaned the high chair before. I wipe it down at least three times a day. And sometimes I even pull back the vinyl seat cover and wipe away crumbs and dried noodles and stuff.
Today, it stunk. It really stunk. I started wiping it down with my arsenal of cleaners. I pulled back the vinyl and began wiping. I pulled it back further. Oh my great goo. It was stringy. It was shiny. It was multi-colored. As Flynn Ryder said, "Overall, it just smells like the color brown."
I am about to offend every environmentalist out there. There are some messes that require waste. Lots and lots of waste. I used like a whole roll of paper towels cleaning the chair. I actually removed the vinyl covering (am I bad mom that I have never done this before?) I used three different kinds of cleaners (all of which are biodegradable and concentrated, so that's one for the environmentalists - right?). I turned the high chair upside-down to get all the nooks and crannies. A letter "a" from Alphabits cereal fell out of the high chair when I did that.
I have never bought - or even eaten - Alphabits cereal.
By the way, I got this high chair off Craigslist.
It's a fancy, expensive Peg Perego high chair. All the consumer reviews say it's super hard to clean. Yup.
Do they even make Alphabits cereal anymore?
I was gagging. I want to singe off the ends of my fingernails because I don't think I can get the goo out of them.
Motherhood is gross, I thought, as I opened my second roll of paper towels to sop up the goo.
And you know why I started this all?
Because Joci had an upset tummy today. And that meant that I cleaned up 3 sick-tummy-poop-accidents. I won't even go into the color...but for the record, fecal matter should NOT look like that. One of these accidents occurred in the high chair. So I was cleaning it before I discovered the goo-that-should-not-be-named under the vinyl covering and the Alphabits A.
Oh, and guess what else happened to me today?
Just before bed, Joci grabbed a baby carrot and proceeded to chomp it down. Mostly. She took her time. We said prayers, we did goodnight kisses, and then I just made her sit on my lap to finishing her mouthful because I didn't want to lay her down and leave her to choke and die. I sang a few more songs to her, continually prompting her to chew and swallow. The solution? Finally, Joci spit a mouthful of carrot that she had been chewing for seven minutes into my hand.
And then it was onto laundering the diarrhea stained clothing.
Motherhood is gross.
Mom, I am sorry.