Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dirty Jobs: Motherhood


As I was attempting to scrub out the stench from a high chair that probably should be fumigated, I was thinking about how disgusting of a job it was.

I mean, I have cleaned the high chair before. I wipe it down at least three times a day. And sometimes I even pull back the vinyl seat cover and wipe away crumbs and dried noodles and stuff.

Today, it stunk. It really stunk. I started wiping it down with my arsenal of cleaners. I pulled back the vinyl and began wiping. I pulled it back further. Oh my great goo. It was stringy. It was shiny. It was multi-colored. As Flynn Ryder said, "Overall, it just smells like the color brown."

I am about to offend every environmentalist out there. There are some messes that require waste. Lots and lots of waste. I used like a whole roll of paper towels cleaning the chair. I actually removed the vinyl covering (am I bad mom that I have never done this before?) I used three different kinds of cleaners (all of which are biodegradable and concentrated, so that's one for the environmentalists - right?). I turned the high chair upside-down to get all the nooks and crannies. A letter "a" from Alphabits cereal fell out of the high chair when I did that.

I have never bought - or even eaten - Alphabits cereal.

By the way, I got this high chair off Craigslist.

It's a fancy, expensive Peg Perego high chair. All the consumer reviews say it's super hard to clean. Yup.

Do they even make Alphabits cereal anymore?

I was gagging. I want to singe off the ends of my fingernails because I don't think I can get the goo out of them.

Motherhood is gross, I thought, as I opened my second roll of paper towels to sop up the goo.

And you know why I started this all?

Because Joci had an upset tummy today. And that meant that I cleaned up 3  sick-tummy-poop-accidents. I won't even go into the color...but for the record, fecal matter should NOT look like that. One of these accidents occurred in the high chair. So I was cleaning it before I discovered the goo-that-should-not-be-named under the vinyl covering and the Alphabits A.

Oh, and guess what else happened to me today?

Just before bed, Joci grabbed a baby carrot and proceeded to chomp it down. Mostly. She took her time. We said prayers, we did goodnight kisses, and then I just made her sit on my lap to finishing her mouthful because I didn't want to lay her down and leave her to choke and die. I sang a few more songs to her, continually prompting her to chew and swallow. The solution? Finally, Joci spit a mouthful of carrot that she had been chewing for seven minutes into my hand.

And then it was onto laundering the diarrhea stained clothing.

Motherhood is gross.

Mom, I am sorry.


4 comments:

Jewls said...

ROFL! I have moment like these all the time!

You should do yourself a favor and buy a strap-on booster seat at Walmart...they're only like $25 and SO much easier to clean!!

Rachel said...

Can soooo identify!

On Friday my friend Nick texted me from Boston to tell me how awesome it was. I texted back, "That sounds great! Also, Liam just threw up a bunch of mozzarella cheese into my bare hands." He was all, "Ewww. Remind me not to have babies."

When my sister's four children
were little, I think she actually wrong an essay about what she refers to as a mother's baptism by body fluids.

I posted about this on my own blog a couple years ago:

http://rachnabe.blogspot.com/2009/06/we-interrupt-this-medical-saga-for.html

Frederick Family said...

Yes, they still make Alphabits cereal. There is a glorious time when kids are older that you can tell them, "I am not a garbage can." as the hand you there wrappers, gross chewed food etc. Until then, yes it's a gross job and we are hard wired to want to do it.

Amy said...

It's funny how the longer we are mothers the less gross things become. Or how because we are a mother somethings aren't gross to us...like getting sweet slobbery kisses.

Although getting baby spit up in the mouth will always be gross...True story.

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