Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Eleven Weeks To Go

Eleven weeks until the due date.

Eleven weeks until we are parents again.

Or until we experience the kind of heartbreak that I don't like to think about but can't help but think about constantly.

I play the scenario over and over in my mind...hearing the words, blinking back tears, waiting until I am alone to crumple into a mess of sobbing and unutterable prayers. And yet, what would I be crying about? This baby is not mine.

If that happens to me, promise me one thing. Promise me you won't say, "I was afraid this would happen." Because I am afraid of it too.

With Jocelyn's adoption we had seventeen days of this. This time around, I have TWENTY-ONE WEEKS of this. If I am gray by June 19, you'll know why.

I don't want you to think I live my life in fear every day (well, only a little bit). I have hope. If I didn't have hope, I could never do this.

I wouldn't be stripping wallpaper.

I wouldn't be buying adorable baby clothes that melt my heart.


I worry what this concoction of fear and hope is doing to my heart. I worry that it will cause me the biggest heartache of my life, or prevent me from enjoying one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I can't say. I take it day by day. I have hope and I'm happy.

10 comments:

Ashley said...

When we were waiting for Julia I kept telling people "We're expecting the worst and hoping for the best."

I left all the tags on Julia's clothes.

I didn't monogram anything for practicality reasons.

I stuck her wall letters up with double stick tape so that they could come down easily.

I know how you feel.

You have my number. It's been a while since we texted.

Is it my breath?

I'm so excited for your new daughter.

Jennifer Steinmetz said...

My heart is there with yours! Afraid to hope...I understand. Every time you post something new, I just want to write on my blog, "Read Lara's new post here." Keep nesting! Even women who have their "own" babies still have to face a similar fear that you're facing now. Not until the waiting is over and that baby is in your arms can you really feel that joy, unhindered by fear. Something beautiful to look forward to, no matter what happens! Hugs!

UK Yankee said...

I am sending you cyber hair dye and hugs. Will also keep you guys in our prayers. I am so excited for your family!

Jewls said...

We had a 3 1/2 month wait with Z...it was the longest three months of my life!

We'll keep you in our prayers. I think it's all going to work out!

Cutest little clothes...we need a girl!! :)

kelley said...

We told the adoptive parents during this time to remain "emotionally guarded". Like that helps. In the three years that I did adoptions, I could count the number of last minute revocations on one hand. I know the odds are small but you'll still worry. It's like telling any expectant parent not to worry about potential issues with a new baby. But I agree with your approach, if you spend all your time worrying, you'll just bring yourself down. I say be happy. Guarded, but happy.

Alicia said...

I think you are doing great to keep going with your plans even though you have fears. And eleven weeks will go fast! At least I hope so since we have 7 weeks left and I'm dying to be done waiting!

Meagan said...

24.5 weeks for me. I think we all hold our breaths until that baby is in our arms! I wish we could worry together! I miss your face!

Anonymous said...

I just gotta say that everyone worries during pregnancy for everything to develop normally and the baby to be born healthy. Adoptive parents have those same worries.

In addition to that, adoptive parents also have to worry about a birth mom changing her mind. Or the birth father (or someone else) contesting. And long legal battles.

It's true, everyone worries, but adoptive parents have double (or maybe even triple) the stuff to worry about.

Jessica said...

Hope is a wonderful thing! I'm sure the next few weeks will be hard, but time will fly. Miss you!

Rachel said...

You are so brave. Hugs to you.

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