Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I Think I'm in Denial About Infertility

My official cause of infertility is unknown.

It could be my body.

It could be my husband's.

Doctors have been surprised that we haven't been able to conceive so I think there is just something about the two of us together.

I've known this for years. Adopted twice. Been off birth control for over a decade. Had surgeries. And yet there is a part of me that is still in denial about my infertility. Especially since it is unexplained, I think that maybe it will just go away. Or maybe there is a 3% chance of me conceiving and it may just happen. Maybe I'll be 46 like Halle Berry and completely taken by surprise. Joci will be in college.

When my friends talk about their birthing stories, there is always a voice in the back of my head that makes plans for when I have the chance to give birth.

My endometriosis has the unpleasant side effect of really heavy periods. My sister told me to get an IUD. It would really minimize them. I dream of how nice that would be...but I just can't justify any kind of birth control. If there is that tiny chance I might get pregnant, I better not prevent any pregnancies no matter how painful and awful my periods are.

Lately, I've developed an allergic reaction to certain brands/types of tampons. I keep praying I won't have a problem with ALL tampons because I don't think I could do this without them. See the above paragraph about super heavy periods. I've semi-joked about getting a hysterectomy if that were the case. Part of me thinks, heck, why not? That uterus is done broke anyway. If it's causin' so much pain, get rid of 'er. But then again...what if?

I am so hung up on the "what if" that I can't consider the idea of birth control - temporary or permanent. In a perfect world where I had perfect control over my fertility, I would probably be done having children by now. Or at the very oldest, 35. I would be more than happy to put my uterus out of commission until menopause decided to kick in. But being saddled with unexplained infertility, I just can't do that. Maybe someday, I'll feel differently. Maybe when I am 35 or encroaching 40 I'll decide that I'm done with hope and I'll be ready to purposefully block the teeny, tiny chance of a miracle pregnancy. But for now, I'll deal with the pain of periods and the pain of the unknown.

Hope is painful.


Tamara ViAnn said...

I don't blame you a bit for making that decision. Before our our oldest was born via adoption, we tried to get pregnant for six years. Our doctors told us that it was primarily because of MF issues, but possibly could be because of me in addition. We were given a 2-3% chance of getting pregnant on our own and were encouraged to try IVF.

I know I'm the cliche story everyone loathes but we adopted our first and have since been able to two additional biological children. I'll never know why it essentially took 8 years before our first pregnancy. Your right- hope is painful. But I think your smart in that decision to not eliminate the possibility happening. Your two cuties are adorable!!

kareydk said...

I was 50, on birth control pills for very heavy periods (I too dealt with them until at age 42 the infertility clinic told me I was too old to have any hope -- not sure how these 46 and 47-year old women do it -- and that I was getting the boot as their patient -- something I now realize was simply to boost their success rate, at which point I decided I could no longer cope with eight days of cramps and heavy bleeding every month and asked for the pill) and my husband had had a vasectomy (as a result of his first marriage) and STILL I hoped. I'd occasionally go off the pill for a month just to see if we might have a miracle. Hope, hope, hope. When I was 53 I stopped the pill entirely and never had another period. When I was "overdue" but no period in sight, I went out and treated myself to an over the counter pregnancy test kit. Of course it was negative. I now have dreams where we decide to use a donated embryo or donated egg/sperm and have it implanted in my still there despite two different doctors recommending it come out uterus. Woman older than me have carried babies, mostly for their infertile daughters, so why not me, right? Only problem is we spent our infertility treatment money on adoption expenses. And about that not getting a hysterectomy thing, I just can't do it. Even now, with my ovaries no longer working. It would kill me to have it removed (and hey, now it doesn't overflow monthly, so what would be the point?) Would remove the last tiniest shred of hope. I've now been a year without a period. It sucks. It's supposed to be a happy time because I no longer "have to worry abut getting pregnant" while having sexual intercourse. Waiting for the "Menopause for Infertile Women" book because the others just blather on about what a wonderful time menopause is. It SUCKS for those of us who never got to have babies.

Whitney said...

Man oh man did this post resonate with me. I feel so similarly about all of it. I also have endometriosis and just about can't function once a month, but I can't bear taking birth control because what if?... I don't feel like my doctor understands this. Actually, I don't feel like a lot of people understand this. But it is what it is. I cling to hope even when time has proven me wrong.

Anonymous said...

Just wondering fi you have looked into or tried vitrex? Look on amazon for it


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